I wanted to write something on Mother’s Day. It’s a wonderful and difficult day for me, all at once. but I couldn’t quite come up with the words to say. But today, I did.
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say…it is well with my soul.
I love to make things. I always have. I think it must be in my genes because I come from a family of amazing, talented women. I have wonderful memories of making things with my mom, my grandma, and my aunt. I have my grandma’s paints and paintbrushes in my craft drawers that I still use every time I paint something. I just shared this week that my parents brought over my mom’s sewing table for me to use for crafting.
And I love making things for my boys. I crocheted a small octopus for Malcolm when I was pregnant with him. I made a beanie for Sean when I was pregnant with him. And so many other projects.
I got pregnant with our third baby when Sean was around a year old. We were excited. We had a feeling from the beginning that it was a girl. I sewed some cute little baby skirts with beautiful fabric I’d had in my drawers for a while, just waiting to be used. I crocheted some headbands in soft pink and blue yarn with pretty little flowers.
I had a funny feeling from the beginning of the pregnancy. I don’t know if the crafting and sewing was just me trying to get excited or to assure myself that it was going to be fine, or what. When the doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat with the doppler at 9 weeks, I feared the worst but tried to be hopeful.
I ended up miscarrying that sweet baby girl a couple weeks later at 11 weeks pregnant. And I stopped making things for almost a year. I still sketched and drew, but I didn’t touch my sewing machine or really crochet anything at all. I didn’t make a conscious decision to do so. In fact, I didn’t even realize I had stopped at all until I started making things again later.
When we moved, we went through all our stuff. I threw out the skirts and headbands that I had made. It seems silly now, but at the time I didn’t even want them anymore – didn’t even want to look at them.
I got pregnant with another baby – a little boy. The beginning of the pregnancy was scary. I started bleeding early, much like I did when I miscarried. But God is good. I gave birth to that sweet boy in November. It’s so strange to have so much love and joy for a wonderful baby while still mourning the one who isn’t here.
And, shortly before he was born, I started making things again. Like the stopping, it wasn’t even a conscious choice. I just got the itch to make again. I taught myself how to knit. I went to my mom’s house and sewed some cute hoodies for my boys. That’s one of the reasons why this project is one of my favorite things I’ve made – it represents something very meaningful to me.
It was my re-awakening, if you want to call it that. The end of a stage of mourning. I was making things again, and it felt wonderful, and it made me a little sad to think that I had stopped without realizing it. Starting this blog was another step in that process. There were all sorts of fears that held me back from doing the things I ought to do – using the talents that God has given me.
The anniversary of her due date was just over a week ago. We sang It Is Well With My Soul at church on Sunday – Mother’s Day. I teared up and sang, and meant it. It is well with my soul. Rejoicing for the three amazing boys I have, missing the little one not here.
I’m glad that I’m making things again. This week I started teaching Malcolm how to sew using the sewing machine, on a table where my mom taught me to sew, continuing to pass a love of crafting on to another generation like those before me did. And I will continue to create, because I was created to make things. I pray that one day I’ll have a reason to sew little baby skirts and crochet flowered headbands again. And I hope that even when “sorrows like sea billows roll” that I won’t stop making things again – that I will work through the mourning and that I will always continue to do what I was created to do.